Uncle Bonsai - Doug's Greatest Christmas Ever

In a mid-1980s newspaper interview, a member of the Seattle, USA based trio Uncle Bonzai marveled that "They [audiences] love us, and we're so cynical!" She wasn't wrong. There's ample biting social commentary from the group's main songwriter Andrew Ratshin, but he also delights in wordplay and wistful tales. Uncle Bonsai's songs will make you smile - sometimes in grim recognition.

Ratshin, who has a music composition degree from Bennington College and isn't afraid to use it, founded Uncle Bonsai in 1981. They've taken a couple of breaks, and traded singers a few times, but they're still playing and touring 44 years later.

Ratshin's put forth some intriguing (or quirky, if you'd rather) ideas. There was the Twenty Seconds of Pleasure tape, full of 20 and 40 second songs. He's also composed about 2 dozen musical vignettes from the life of Doug, including such world-shaking moments as Doug's First Date and Doug at His Mom's. Someone please convince me that Doug isn't Andrew Ratshin's alter ego.

Today we learn about Doug's Greatest Christmas Ever.

I know this story: as a radio guy, I've been there. Radio stations don't sign off on Christmas day, and when the boss knows you're religiously unattached, as I was, or Jewish, as were some of my colleagues, you're the one said supervisor thinks of for that quiet Christmas day air shift, the only light in a dark, locked building. Is that religious discrimination? You decide.

Doug's Greatest Christmas Ever

Look at the streets of the city all covered in snow
Passels of people with presents and places to go
Filling the sidewalks with carols and holiday cheer
Forgetting who makes it all possible year after year

Families flock to their friends for some fruitcake and fun
A fabulous, flavorful feast for their favorite Son
But back at the office there's plenty of work to be done
And there's only one person to count on when everyone's gone

Doug will be there whatever the means
Doug will be there to man the machines
Doug will be there to hold it together like glue
Doug's dependable
Doug's commendable
Doug's determined to be there for you
Doug is the man of the hour, the company Jew

Doug goes down to the 7-11 at 10
Perfectly proud to be working on Christmas again
Doug grabs a donut and lovingly loosens his belt
Yoo-hoos and yodels with the last of the Chanukah gelt

Santa Claus smiles and ushers him into the store
Right to the Santa with nachos who smiles some more
Santa Claus bags up the goods for the Santa Claus clerk
So taxicab Santa can get Doug right back to his work

Doug will be there whatever the means
Steam the letters or clean the latrines
Doug will be there when nobody else can come through
Doug will make the pitch
Doug will throw the switch
Doug is one of the proud, brave and few
Doug is the man of the hour, the company Jew

And Mom's in Miami with dozens of cousins and wives
Picking over the final remains of their lives
But there's kreploch and cake in the kitchen and plenty of each
And a long list of numbers in case she should have to be reached

Doug cracks the Thermos and quietly fills up his glass
A toast to the masses amassed at their holiday mass
So remember the people like Doug when the service begins
Especially since you will need them when Easter rolls in

Doug will be there whatever the means
Pack the programs or stack magazines
Doug's reliable, that's undeniably true
Doug's desirable
Unretirable
Who else can do the things Douglas can do?
Doug is alive with the power -
Doug's so sensible
Indispensable
Light the menorah, there's thanks overdue
Doug is the man of the hour, the company Jew